I took my 2 kiddos to the park today.  It’s the park we always go to, but instead of going around 11am we went at 4pm.   Never again.  We’ve gone to this park for almost 3 years – there is this really strange elderly women who told me once that I shouldn’t let my little boy go down the pink slide because it could make him gay.  Then another time she told me that I shouldn’t allow him to swing in the infant swing because it could cut his pen*s off.  Yes, she actually said it!  I think that she lives across the street, because she always shows up.  When she walks up, we leave.

Anyway, back to today.  There were about 20 kids running around that had just gotten out of school, all around the ages of 8 or 9.  They were being little sh*ts so I took my 4 year old and 1 ½ year old to the other side of the park.  There’s a gazebo there and we like to look for lizards.  Well, there were 3 teenage kids under the gazebo smoking pot.  One of the kids saw me and all of them started to hide the pipe and bag of pot.  I was actually laughing inside because it was SO obvious.  They looked up at me and I said “Oh, I’m so sorry we disturbed you by wanting to play at a park”.  The guy laughs, waves at me and in all seriousness, said “Oh, that’s okay”.  WHAT?!?!?!?  I told him I was being sarcastic and he got a dumb look on his face.  I’m not sure if it was because he was too stoned to know his ass from a hole in the ground, or if he didn’t know what sarcastic means.  I was pretty annoyed about the amount of children in 1 place that didn’t have any adult supervision.  Besides me, there were 2 adults in the entire park – both of which were smoking right by where the kids were playing.  Parent needs to take a more active role!-Sarah AZ

     I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about air travel after our wonderful experience with US Airways (cough…thieves…cough).  I think there is more room to talk about peoples action while in the airport.  First off I’m not really sure why standing in lines manners seem to go out the window in the airport?  The usual offender is the guy in the sports coat and jeans.  That look says I’m important, but not important enough to were slacks, or you’re a professional sports coach.  For some it’s perfectly acceptable to look you in the eye, and then sprint in front of you to get into line at the ticket gate.

      Once you are at the gate DO NOT attempt to talk to the staff behind the counter, you need to talk to the computer first.  If you even try to say some thing like, “good morning” or “hello” they will be quick to say “You need to use the computer first”.  In all fairness they are probably cranky because they have to wear those stupid airline colored blazers all day.  What the hell is that about?  Why do you have to wear that thing?  After talking to the all mighty computer, which has used is trillions of calculations to separate a family of four into the farthest corners of the aircraft, it’s now time for the biaatch behind the corner to force a smile through her overly made-up face, and greet you.  Now you might have the nerve to ask if it would be possible to have a seat within 8 rows of your 3 year old.  ”I’ll see what I can do”, that my friends is the rallying cry of the airline industry.  Now she turns to that god awful keyboard that all ticket agents have the “Super Clicky 2000″.  Who in the hell made those things so loud? CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.

    Next up is the security check point, and it’s world of fun.  If you are a business person please feel free to roll your eyes and sigh loudly at any contact you have with the TSA.  I enjoy this because the reason you are having so many problems with the TSA’s is because you are an ass-hat, and your holier-than-thou attitude lands you in extra screening land.  Try not acting like the most important person in the world, and more like a human being to the TSA’s, and see what happens.  The rest of us enjoy watching you throw a tantrum and make your stupid comments when you’re asked to do a simple task.  Here’s a tip you WILL have to take off your shoes, and remove your laptop EVERY time you go thought security.  

   FYI old people, keep your ticket and ID out of your pocket, purse, fanny-pack, or whatever newfangled satchel you use.  Keep the damn thing out until your keister is in your plane seat.  They are going to ask for it like 300 times, and we don’t care to hear you tell them “you never use to need your ID to fly in the 30’s”.  How in the world does an ID and plane ticket always find it’s way to the bottom of a bag every time anyways?  

     Once you’re at the gate remember that when they start boarding first class and the families with children, that really is secret code for “every tick-turd on this flight please start to bunch up in front of the gate”.  Please get in the way of everyone else, because the earlier you get on the flight the faster it takes off.  Guess what, planes take off when EVERYONE is on, so it doesn’t matter how fast YOU get on.  

     Now that the plane has taken off and you can finally get out of your seat to use the bathroom it’s time to get that beverage cart out and block that aisle.  Make sure that if a passenger is “rude” enough to try to use the bathroom that you snap at them and keep plowing that cart through.  I understand you have a job to do, but when you figure that we started boarding 1/2 before the flight, sat on the runway for an extra 15 mins, and then had to wait until cruising altitude to get up, it has been about an hour since we’ve seen a bathroom.  I’m thinking that 1 of the 3,000 of us that you have packed into a plane might need to use the bathroom.  Believe it or not my kid’s bladder doesn’t run on your clock.  I’m thinking that if the airlines could sell space on the outside of the plane they would.  How sweet would that be seeing a New York to Los Angeles flight with people hanging off of it like a Pakistani train.  

     Now that we are settled in our seats, and we (or our kids) are just dozing off to sleep it’s time to end that nonsense.  I’ll let the air crew decide if they want the pilot to get on the intercom, or let the flight attendant wake me up for a half can of Diet Coke.  FYI pilots, we don’t give a rats ass that we are over Boise, we want our kids to sleep.  Let me know if you are going to do a barrel roll, or if you are coughing up eggs like in airplane.  Other than that we don’t care to hear your falsely lowered voice after the BING BONG chime.  Flight attendants, if you wake me up again to offer me a half can of soda I’m going to “crop dust” you…that’s right we know what it is.

     With all these things considered you’ve earned a…

Threat Level Red: It’s a RED because we are in the airport, and we have given up our rights in order to travel safely, and you’ve taken advantage of that.  If we try to speak up we either get detained or tazed.  I know flying sucks for you, but it sucks for the rest of us to, and we are your customers (you might have forgotten that).

How can we be shocked that the credit market collapsed?  When you give someone who makes $8.75/hour a 5 year interest only loan on a $450,000 home…that should have been a clue.  Also we live in a country where you can RENT rims for a car!  I think part of this “crisis” is going to be good for America maybe those of us who have had it so good will start to see why our grandparents actually had savings accounts.

Meredith (kind of)

In the spirit of the website and good manners Annie actually won the book in a random drawing, but wanted me to give it to Meredith after reading her e-mail.  Thank you Annie for being so kind, and congrats to Meredith on your win.  Please stop by Annie’s blog at http://annieschaos.blogspot.com/, or click Annie’s name anywhere in this post.

Today is the last day for the BOsMs give away so submit your e-mails or comments today.  The drawing is going to be a random selection from all the submissions.  I got an e-mail from Meredith that puts forth a strong case for the book though.  We’ll see who wins tomorrow.

Here is why I need to win a manners book.

I have been having a really crappy week. It started with my dog ruining both the carpet and a bed with the impressive amount of diarrhea he produced one day.  Then we had to put him to sleep.  Then I had $500 stolen out of my checking account.  Then my 9 month old daughter got her first ear infection and a horrible cold, which I also got.  Then my employer screwed up my Pay Flex account so I lost almost $400 out of that account.  

The reason I need the manners book is that in my wallowing self-pity, I got mad at the driver behind me for not honking to let me know the light had turned green when I wasn’t paying attention.  I was actually irritated that he didn’t honk!!  The cars in front of me were all gone, and instead of thinking, I should pay attention, I thought, “what an a**h****, why didn’t he honk!”  So you see, I am in need of manners, and a little day off from the bad karma fairy.-Meredith AZ

Well today I’m going to rant about a small section of society that seems to hang out in dive bars around the nation (it could be international, but I don’t travel much).  I’m going to cover the “former special forces guy”, and his wild combat stories shared with strangers.  You know who I’m talking about the 50 year old staggering alcoholic that corners you in a bar, and starts telling you stories about all the throats he’s slit, or how many airplanes he has jumped out of without a parachute. 

     First I want to know how you went from an elite fighting machine to a 275lb alcoholic with 5 DUI’s and rusty 10 speed bike.  I’m also thinking that had you really been in special forces you wouldn’t be babbling to everyone and their brother about  your insertion into Moscow in 1978. Suuure you jumped in with just a loin cloth and a laser ray gun that the government still won’t admit exists. You got to use it to kill 350 guards singlehandedly (along with the 15 you killed by snapping their necks). 

     I want to tell you right now that not a single person you tell these stories to believes a word of what you are saying.  It’s not because they can’t hear you, because you’ve made sure to get 3 inches from our face and spit while you talk.  They don’t believe you because your stories are so unbelievably horse-shit that there is no physical way they could take place on a planet with gravity.   

     My two favorite examples of this happened in local bars.  The first one was a former coworker of my wife, who right after Sept. 11 said he was going back in the Navy.  He said he was in S.E.A.L team 2 and they needed him back.  He said he was in for 2 years in the reserves (I pretty sure you can’t be in the reserves for 2 years and be a SEAL).  He said that he had to drive from Arizona to Norfolk VA to pick up his weapons, and explosives (he was E.O.D).  He then had to drive himself back to San Diego to ship out.  I’m thinking had any of this been true they would have flown him around the a private Navy jet.  I’m sure they would have no problem with him driving explosives and machine guns across the country in his Hyundai (sweet ride BTW).  

     My all time favorite is pictured below, and I’m not sure how he join our conversation (anyone who was there just might remember).  He told us all about his days of snapping necks in Delta Force.  I guess you don’t volunteer for Delta Force they have to invite you, and they had to ask him twice!  Now imagine that sentence being said with a mouthful of spit in your face.  The photo below is an action shot of the karate move he used to kill guard dogs.  He did succeed in flinging a beer all over my friend and his wife (I’m not gonna lie I think I peed a little when it happened).  He still just earned a…

Threat Level Orange: You would have earned a Yellow, but I think you need to be bumped up due to the fact that your lack of respect for the people who actually did the job you claim to have done.

On a recent road trip my 4 year old had to us the bathroom. We pulled into a Wayside Rest. NOT A TRUCK STOP!!!!!

As my 2 girls and I entered the 5 stall bathroom I see the first stall is occupied by a woman who had laid her recently shit in undies on the stall floor. There was also a bottle of dish soap on the floor. In the next stall I notice a woman with BARE FEET. My 7 year old goes into the next stall. In the next is a woman with a bottle of Pepsi on the floor who knew barefoot lady because they were conversing with each other. She said” I will be out in a few minutes, I don’t know WHAT came over me”.  My 4 year old and I take the last stall. Pepsi lady lets out a few groans/moans and then wraps up her business. As we go to wash our hands I notice the lady with the shitty underwear has started to wash them out IN THE BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I almost died. We quickly washed our hands, got to the car and then applied as much Purell allowed by law.

No bare feet, no conversing and no shitty underwear washing allowed!!!!!!!!-Rachel MN

I need a ruling on this one…is it perfectly okay to cut in front of everyone else in a fast food line if you need condiments or your order is wrong?  I noticed it this weekend, and at first it didn’t bother me, but then I was thinking hey wait why do you get to cut in front of everyone else in line?  I’m not sure where I stand on this one.  On one hand you just need something quick so you can order, but on the other you just got out of line, and not are cutting back in and slowing others down.  Hmm… what do you think?

     Don’t forget the contest post a comment or send me a manners e-mail (relevant to the site), and get entered in the drawing for the book.

      Starting right now I’m doing a little give away for readers that post comments or send me an e-mail with a story of bad manners.  It’s pretty simple, just post a comment (that is not spam), or drop me an e-mail about manners, and your name will be entered into a drawing for the above book about manners.  The rules are…if your comment adds something to the site I’ll post it, and you’ll be entered in the drawing.  E-mails have to be manners related, and even if I don’t post it during the contest you’ll still be entered in the drawing.  Due to the spamming nature of the internet I have to verify comments.  If you win I’ll send you an e-mail, and announce it on the site (if you have a blog I’ll even post a shameless plug for it too).  The contest runs through Friday October 3rd.  The winner will be drawn at random, and feel free to post as many comments and e-mails as you like.  Thanks for the support and thank you for the e-mails.

Ryan

So tonight we sat down for a nice family dinner when we hear the “thump” “thump” “thump” of some a-holes radio.  My husband goes outside for a bit to check where it was coming from.  He walks back in and tells me that I need to go look for myself.  Turns out that the base is coming from one of our neighbors (we weren’t actually surprised – this neighbor is famous for being annoying).  But the thumping was not from his car, or house.  It’s coming from his BOAT.  Yes, he has a huge speedboat parked in his driveway, with his super cool radio bumping some sort of crap music while he’s sitting on the bow talking on his cell phone.  I so want to be his friend.-Sarah AZ